motivational monday: & how i've decided to stop holding back.

Monday, May 05, 2014

Cee posted an entry the other day that really stuck with me. She wondered whether or not she held back from writing certain things on her blog. It was in the back of my head all week, so I've finally decided to come clean.

The fact of the matter is that I do hold back. I do sometimes not write about certain things or take photos or maybe even put myself in front of the camera like I used to in fear of what people would think of me. Would my family talk? Think me a failure? Would my friends make fun of me? Or, worse, other bloggers? Because, let's be honest, people talk and comment. About everything. Always. Families gossip, people on Facebook talk, there's even one person at work that constantly has something to say about what I wear and how I do my hair. It becomes exhausting to give everyone an explanation for why I'm doing this, why so-and-so decided to take this path in life, why I'm wearing yellow pants today, for goodness sake. And that's part of the reason why I find myself holding back.

The other? This photoshoot-- which I really loved-- and was my first ever sponsored post. Sugarlips, a fashion brand, reached out to me to give me a garment, go crazy with it, and post my images of it. For a girl who still gets genuinely shocked every time someone tells me that they actually read my blog, this was a big freaking deal for me! So I thought up this really badass, industrial-type idea of shooting at the train station by my house, very Warholian/Factory-- and wearing a dress that, for me, evoked Edie Sedgewick, and me and Frank went to town. I remember editing the photos that night and going to Frank maybe every 2 pictures of so-- "holy crap! These are great." For once I actually felt like all of the amazing bloggers and models that looked statuesque and fearless. And I felt pretty effing cool, if we're laying it all out there.
All that was instantly tainted after I put this shot on Facebook
and had a friend of mine post a comment, something along the lines of me being a hooker by the train tracks.
I wish I were kidding.
I remember excitedly posting the image to FB and then having my heart drop the second that I saw that comment. I was no longer this edgy Edie Sedgwick-ian space girl I had created in my head, I apparently looked like a prostitute. I had-- despite this person apologizing and stating it was a joke-- failed. I put myself out there, really out there, and was shot down.
I still get a pang of embarrassment every time I look at the photos from this shoot.

Since then, I've definitely shied away from really putting myself-- and my life-- out there. I've played it safe. Because apparently people take notice-- and not always in a positive way. The world doesn't abide by the same rules that at least I was taught:

The reality is-- and what I've learned thanks to the person in my office who thinks they're pushing my buttons and getting to me with every stupid comment they have (they do take notice so clearly I'm doing something right)-- that people are always going to say something no matter what you do. There are going to be people who love what you're doing it or hate it-- and they'll let you know which (many with total carelessness concerning how their comments makes you feel). And if you fail, then you fail! But at least you failed doing something, creating something, putting yourself out there-- which is more than most people can say that they do. For the most part, people will be nice-- very nice, actually--but there's always going to be that one person who isn't going to be in love with what you're doing-- whatever it is. That doesn't make you a failure, it just doesn't make you their particular cup of tea. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Ain't that the truth!

So, at the end of the day, what exactly is being accomplished by me choosing to stifle myself? My crazy ideas? My rainy days and realities? Nothing. I'm left with nothing to write about, fear hanging over my head and the inability to expand my creativity. It's a lose-lose-lose. My happy corner of the internet is suddenly a little bit less than what it used to be (or, most of all, could be) because I'm afraid of what other people will think. How utterly ridiculous.

So, going forward, I'm going to try my best to stop avoiding-- I suppose you can call it-- life and do what I used to do: write like no one is reading, take pictures like no one is looking, and put it all out there. Because without this kind of fearless nonsense

CE&TH is a lot less than what it could be-- and so am I.
Babysteps, ya'll, babysteps. 

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