motivational monday.

Monday, March 03, 2014

Here's the short of what's been going on- for the lack of entries, for the blues, for all of it: life has seriously sucked lately. And not in the angst-y, "I'm not getting what I want" kind of way, but the hard, "jesus christ, is this adulthood?" kind of way.

You name it and it's happened to me in the past 3 weeks or so in this looping, anxiety-ridden roller coaster I have been calling my life. I'm having work problems, finding work problems, financial work problems and dilemmas, and family issues-- all which are intertwined and dependent upon something else getting done which, at this point, seems absolutely impossible (or is, because I've already tried and failed).

I've been lying awake quite a bit lately wondering if I can even take any more of this and, goodness, is it ever going to get better? Does it ever get better? Am I meant to go the rest of my days trying to make things better only to have them go nowhere and then, once I become content and accept that this is the best there is, have things get bad?

Now I've already been through the lay in bed and cry whist eating Ben and Jerry's stage, the wallow in self pity stage, the scream and cry and beg others to stop stage-- and even after that didn't feel or see any change occur; you'd think I had not even tried. I'd exhausted all efforts, checked all of the boxes and still nothing. So now what? What do you do after you've done it all?

The painful reality that I've come to terms with is, well, you get up tomorrow and try again. You keep going. You wake up, put a smile on your face and deal with the day-- and it's problems-- again. You redo that resume for the 3rd time until you get a call back. You accept that some people and things in your life won't change-- and to be completely realistic, probably never will. Does that mean that you need to have your heart in your throat all day about it? To cry at night? To keep yourself up thinking about how easy it would be if people and things and life were different? No, it means you live with it in whatever way that you can-- whether that's walking away from it or ignoring it or training yourself to have it not affect you as much or at all.

Probably the most adult thing I've ever done (other than experience this epiphany) was to be selfish; take myself away from the struggles as much as I can and just enjoy myself. Enjoy some alone time away from frustration and anxiety, remove myself from the arguments and situations, and most of all, put my feelings first. If you are anxious about something get away from it or prepare accordingly. Trouble at home? Stay with a friend. Financial trouble at work? Save up a little extra moolah just in case. You won't be able to fix every problem, but you can learn to live with them. You pull an Elizabeth Taylor and keep moving on. Cause, ya know what? Life is going to keep moving whether you're ready or not. 

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