motivational monday.

Monday, December 03, 2012

I won't lie, the reason for my lack of motivational Monday posts is because I've been lacking motivation to even get out of bed most days (and if I didn't have work or school I probably wouldn't). I've been feeling quite miserable for the past few weeks, blogosphere-- a thundercloud just moving along, trying not to explode over every new obstacle put in my way: school, work, homework, family, life-- problems without solutions from every possible angle. Eventually I folded, put up the white flag and went back to bed.

Just a few weeks ago I was Skype-ing with my best friend, Diana, about how unhappy I was with life; an immobilized running man watching everyone I'd known move forward with their life, exploring new places, getting new jobs while I'm over here trekking away exactly as I did in freshman year of college; all that hard work & no pay off. I avoided Facebook. I stopped fighting even the battles I knew I should. I'd go in my room, shut out the world, watch movies and not speak a word concerning my unhappiness. Everyone else was doing so great, so why should I ruin it?
And then she told me that she was feeling the blues as well. Somewhere along the way life had gotten a few shades darker for the two of us. But it was great to hear that I wasn't alone, and know that I wasn't going completely out of my mind. We promised each other that we'd be a little happier and kick some ass the second we got the chance. I went into work and class a little more energized, positive and focused. My flame was slowly but surely pre-heating, if not for the simple act of surviving. If life was going to be dark for awhile, I had to find some silver lining in it.

Just this weekend we caught up again. Diana got a new account & I got offered a new job. A real job. A job that could be the tiny steps that turn into big steps that lead me toward my dream job. I was petrified with the offer. Absolutely scared to death and more excited than ever. Something felt good about it deep in the pit of my stomach. Suddenly that thundercloud disappeared and the sky got really, really bright. I felt like I just hit the lotto, but I said I'd think it over. Even though I was fighting myself about it, I just knew that I wanted to say yes from the second that it was offered. All it took was one phone call to iron out the details, and here I am, on top of the world. This is the thing we've been waiting for & here it is. Talk about timing!

And as I sit here typing this, after talking it over with the boyfriend, I realize that everything-- the entire struggle, since day 1 of college, since my summer in Italy, since day 1 of this blog, has gotten me here. When I sat on the balcony, heart in my throat, every morning and watched the sun come up and thought of what in the hell I'd be changing my major to (for the last time) and doing with my life. When I wrote down names, in the back of my mini Hello Kitty pad, for a fashion blog I intended to start writing the second I set foot in NY. When I took what felt like a wrong turn and landed me at the bottom of the roster and in a group project with one of my best friends. When I got my first internship by myself in my major. All those years spent writing my heart out in middle school and high school. When I busted my butt with 6 classes & an internship! And when they called me back and gave me a sense of worth. All of the tears and fighting and long hours and hard work and doubt has brought me to this exact moment. This is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

If you have ever sat there crying your eyes out wondering what in the hell is going on with your life and, goodness, when will it stop? Just know that it does. And I cannot promise that enough. If you work hard, good things will come to you-- life will get brighter, the struggle will end and you will get all that you've given-- even if you're looking at yourself in the dressing room mirror of a retail store thinking, "what am I doing with my life?" I don't only believe it, I'm literally living it.

I'd look at this quote on Pinterest all the time and scoff, "yeah, I'm trusting it about as far as I can throw it." How far can you throw the uncomfortably heavy weight that's on your shoulders? I don't know about you fellow non-gym goers but if this was yesterday I would have laughed in your face for even saying such a quote to me. Now I get it. It will all be worth it. In the end you'll look back and go, "aha!" and it will all make sense-- pinky swear.

My life is moving along again, and while I'm not too sure where I'll end up, I'm definitely going to look out the window and enjoy this amazing, crazy ride. No trepidation. No anxiety. For the first time in a long time, I felt that fire I used to have deep in my chest. The feeling of invincibility and passion and fight--and an old friend I thought was haunting me, who I haven't seen in a very long time: courage. This running man is back in the game. 

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